6:08 P.M. - February 08, 2007
Stunning
Well shit! I still wake up every morning with stunning realization that my mother is gone. Everyone keeps telling me that it won't go away. I could never have imagined this much emotional pain. Hell, even when David dumped me in the middle of a nervous breakdown, I didn't feel what I feel now. At least with David, giving myself time to come back to my senses and I eventually realized that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't want to be with me. And the pain started to fade, eventually. But they tell me this one will never go away. They (they means everyone because everyone feels like they need to have their two cents in) also tell me that if I haven't cracked up by now that it's not gonna happen. I have somehow managed to keep it together through all of this. I have dealt with all of the business pertaining to my moms medical bills, dealt with the life insurance bozos, and am now trying to deal with the running of the household. And I'm trying to deal with the fact that my dad doesn't want to be here anymore. He wants to be with mom. I can understand that. I want to be with her too, but I would much prefer that she were here. But somehow I am keeping it all together. I owe it, in large part, to my mother. She is the one who nursed me back to sanity again and then reminded me that I have a backbone and that I needed to use it. The shrink helped too, but there is nothing as healing as a mothers love.
I know why I haven't heard out of Jamie for so long. His mom is sick now too and he told a mutual friend that he didn't want to "burden" me with his problems. I think that everyone thinks I'm built like a house of cards now, add one more thing and I will collapse. Hopefully people will figure out that I am not the same woman that I was 2 years ago. I got it together and I plan on keeping it that way. People can't walk around me like walking on eggshells forever. Can they? I sure hope not.
I still haven't told David that mom died. Some part of me says that he deserves to know, but then another part of me says that he didn't care enough to even try and contact her, so screw him. It's been 6 months. I better go ahead and decide soon. But I think that if I do tell him, I will send a copy of the death cert. I have wondered if he never called her because he thought I was still that desperate to try and get him back. Of course that could just be the sappy side of me still trying to make excuses for him and give him the benefit of the doubt. Who the hell knows?
